


Cluedo

by panpipe



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-11
Updated: 2007-08-11
Packaged: 2017-10-13 03:45:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/132473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panpipe/pseuds/panpipe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the success of Arashi's <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/132472">Oregon Trail</a>, Johnny begins his first official reality special -- a murder mystery show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cluedo

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://panpipe.livejournal.com/42858.html#cutid1).

Tegoshi receives a package from Johnny-san that contains only a slinky red dress, and he starts to get worried. (He's heard rumors about Johnny, but didn't really believe them until this moment.) However when a few hours later he receives a mail from Koyama that says: "Strange package from Johnny-san Help" he starts to feel slightly relieved.

The next day at work, they compare notes: Koyama apparently received a blue dress with a big feathery boa, Ryo a green suit, Yamapi a British military outfit, complete with sword and fake mustache, Massu a French maid's outfit, and Shige a purple suit accompanied by a monocle. They aren't quite sure what the costumes mean (a new photoshoot, perhaps?), but Ryo says he isn't sure why Shige didn't get a dress as well, after all he's basically a girl anyways. Shige doesn't respond, only looks at Ryo and whimpers.

 

A week later they are told to show up at the site of their next photoshoot dressed in the outfits Johnny sent them. Their manager nods at them gruffly before handing each member their props -- a revolver, wrench, lead pipe, candlestick, rope (shaped, creepily enough, into a noose), and a knife. They are then told to pose as if they are trying to kill each other.

Tegoshi begins to worry once more. Surely he's too cute to be murdered by his own band mates for Japan's viewing pleasure? (And why, he wonders, is Takki watching their photoshoot? He seems almost a bit too interested in the photos he, Koyama, and Massu are taking.)

 

After the photoshoot they are ushered into Johnny's office, and he hands them each a glittery, sparkly invitation to his mansion. (Once again, Tegoshi's fears about his ulterior motives resurface.) It tells them to be there at 7pm sharp or he will keep them all as trainees for the rest of their careers. They all agree they don't want to be Johnny's sex slaves for the rest of their lives but they don't want to be trainees even more, so they show up at his house right on the dot. Besides, at least he isn't making them show up in their costumes.

It is dark and gloomy, and Massu wonders if perhaps the Jimusho is so ridiculously sparkly because Johnny's home life is so depressing.

When they enter, they are shown into a small sitting room, and told to wait for Johnny's arrival. Ryo makes the remark that it's as quiet as the grave in this house, and that's when the light goes out and Koyama screams. ("Shrieked like the girl he is," Ryo corrects. "You only say that because of my one-slitted eyes!!" Koyama yells.)

The lights flicker back on, and Johnny's body lays face down on the floor, a puddle of blood beneath it.

Koyama and Shige cling to each other, Massu reaches nervously for a piece of candy (wishing he had a four course meal instead, but he decides the pocky will just have to do for now), Ryo tries to think of a witty remark and fails, and Tegoshi clings to the nearest person (Yamapi) in what he meant to be a terrified clasp; instead because it is Tegoshi, it ends up looking like he's trying to do a slutty dance with Yamapi as the pole. No one really notices though, more because this is the behavior they expect from Tegoshi than because in the next instance the lights flicker on and off once more, and Johnny's body has disappeared, though the blood stain still remains.

Yamapi decides that, as leader, he must take control of the situation. He clears his throat. "Alright," he says. "Who killed Johnny?"

 

After fifteen minutes of each boy screaming, "I DIDN'T KILL HIM" "I BET IT WAS RYO, THAT BASTARD" "SHIGE HAS AN IMAGINARY CAT, I ALWAYS KNEW HE WAS A PSYCHO" "LOOK AT TEGOSHI'S INNOCENT FACE, IT MUST BE HIM", Yamapi decides that perhaps that was the wrong question to ask.

"Why don't we call the police?" Shige asks after everyone calms down. He glares at Ryo the entire time though, for suggesting he was insane just because of his cat. _His cat was real, damn it._

"Good idea," Yamapi says, and picks up the phone. Then he frowns, sticks his tongue out a few times and purses his lips like he does for photoshoots. "The phone is dead."

"Perhaps we should just, um, leave," Koyama says nervously. "I don't really like the idea of being in a creepy mansion with a killer." They nod in agreement, though Tegoshi wants to point out that one of them is probably the killer and is it really such a good idea to let the real killer wander the streets free after committing such a crime? He doesn't actually say it though, because he isn't stupid; if he did the killer would probably decide that NewS didn't need Johnny _or_ Tegoshi.

When Massu opens the door, a gust of wind blows through their perfectly styled hair. Shige attempts to fix his automatically, almost frantically. Massu is now sucking on a lollipop and he says in a flat tone, "Perhaps leaving isn't such a good idea right now." It is raining so hard that no one can even see the driveway.

 

"Maybe we should split up," Yamapi says after half an hour of awkward silence and avoiding meeting each other's eyes.

"But what if one of us gets stuck with the killer!" Shige whines. Ryo glares, and Shige shrinks back into his seat.

"Now, Shige," Yamapi says patiently. "We can't say for sure that one of us killed Johnny. I, as leader of NewS, will continue to believe in each of your innocence until someone attacks me with a knife. Anyway, I don't think the killer will attack someone again if we're in pairs. It would raise too much suspicion!" Yamapi smiles, extremely pleased with his logic. It was a perfect plan, if he did say so himself. He almost texted Jin to tell him about it but then he realized Jin would tell Kame who would freak out and call the police and then he'd probably be put in jail under suspicion of killing Johnny. It just wasn't worth it, unfortunately.

"Ryo and I will check upstairs, Shige and Koyama can check the basement, and Massu and Tegoshi can look around this floor."

Massu turns to Tegoshi with a slow smile as he comes to a sudden realization. "Can we look in the kitchen first?"

 

Massu is fixing himself a sandwich and humming to himself (which makes Tegoshi rather nervous. Why isn't Massu more distressed? Is his best friend secretly a psycho murderer? Will he be next? Or will he be spared as long as he keeps Massu fed?) when they hear Koyama's squeal in the walls.

Then he and Shige burst through the pantry and into the room.

Massu blinks. "How did you get in there? Is the food still safe?"

Shige gives Massu an incredulous look, and then ignores him in favor of speaking to Tegoshi, who, he reasons, still seems to have a good head on his shoulders. "We found another dead body in the conservatory," he says, his voice trembling a little.

Tegoshi gasps. Massu keeps eating. "Who was it?"

Koyama looks like he wants to cry. In fact, Tegoshi thinks, maybe he is crying already; people's shoulders don't heave like that normally. Surprisingly, he manages to say, " _Yuuto_. He was... he was... hanging from one of the lights..." He crumples his face into his hands while Shige pats his shoulder and tries to console him.

 

Koyama, after he has calmed down, sends a text message to the other members informing them of the new tragedy. They gather in the main hallway and stare at each other uncomfortably. There are two unspoken questions in the air, "Who killed Yuto?" and "Why did Johnny have him over at his house?" They are pretty sure they only want to know the answer to the first question.

The phone lines have started working again, but they figure it's hard enough to explain _one body_ \-- they don't want to take their chances trying to explain _two_.

 

Ryo and Yamapi, after the group has split up once more, are making a fairly quick log of the upstairs. This is probably because any time Yamapi's mind wanders, Ryo glares and tells him to get back to work.

They are in the billiards room when Yamapi trips over something small but surprisingly heavy. Then he screams ("Like a complete _girl_ ," Ryo says later, snickering. Jin laughs as well until Ryo says, "What are you laughing at, Bakanishi? You're more of a girl than he is.") because Yamada Ryosuke (aka that kid from Tantei Gakuen Q) appears to have been clubbed to death with a nearby wrench.

 

Koyama and Shige are hiding out in the kitchen when Uchi walks in. They blink, stare, and continue doing so until he responds, "Oh, didn't you know, as part of being a trainee I have to be Johnny's butler? It sucks but at least I get free food. I think Kusano is a butler for Johnny's sister."

 

Once again NewS gathers in the hallway, and they enlist Uchi in their frantic search of the house as well. Ryo announces that Uchi will be in his and Yamapi's group "because I said so."

It is then when there's a knock at the door, and everyone laughs nervously when they all jump in surprise. "I'll answer it," Uchi says, "since that's my job."

It's Kame at the door and he is soaking wet. "Can I use a telephone? My car broke down outside. I bet Jin put holes in my tires as a joke." Yamapi gets ready to angrily defend his friend when he realizes that just the other week he and Jin had been laughing at how Kame would react to such a situation. He keeps quiet and lets Uchi direct Kame to the sitting room they'd been in before.

Shige jumps up nervously and blocks Kame's entrance. He laughs awkwardly. "I, um, left a few personal items in there, um, just, uh, let me get them out first. Koyama, Massu, would you like to help me?"

Koyama immediately goes to his side while it takes Massu a few moments to stop eating his fifth sandwich and join them. "What's going on?" he asks, and Shige just laughs nervously. That's when the others remember the giant blood stain on the carpet of that room, and then they proceed to help distract Kame.

"Shige's stuff is really embarrassing!" Tegoshi squeaks. "You wouldn't want to see it! It might scar you for life!"

"Yeah, who wants to see all the lame stuff he buys his imaginary cat?" Ryo says, much more nonchalantly than Tegoshi.

Kame just gives them all a funny look and nods.

 

"Kame sure is taking a long time making a phone call," Yamapi remarks.

"Yeah, I knew he was an idiot but I didn't realize he couldn't use a phone," Ryo says. "What's keeping him so long?" They're all starting to get a little nervous about him being in the room, because really, a couch sitting in the middle of a pretty sizable sitting room looks rather weird, and they're afraid that Kame will look under it and see Johnny's blood.

"I'll go check on him," Uchi offers helpfully.

Then he enters the room and screams. ("Like a girl," Shige says later on. Ryo glares and Shige takes back his earlier statement.) Kame is lying on the floor, another pool of blood beginning to form, with a lead pipe left haphazardly near his head. They leave the room without another word.

 

When the doorbell rings again they're surprised to see Jin at the door, dressed as a policeman.

"Look at me!" he says. "I'm a policeman!"

No one bothers to respond, although Yamapi does ask what he's doing there. "Oh," he says, "Kame left me an angry voicemail about his flat tire. I wanted to see the look on his face, so I came here." He pauses and looks around. "Where is he?"

Everyone laughs nervously. "Why don't you wait for him in the library?" Shige asks. "I'll find him and... send him to you."

"Oh, okay. Gross though. _A library_."

Uchi shuttles him off to the library while the others try and think of how best to cover up the other three murders, and keep Jin from realizing one of his best friends is dead and definitely _not_ coming to visit him in the library.

 

Yamapi's cell phone rings a few minutes later and he says, "It's Jin!" as he answers.

"Yamapi," Jin's voice calls out from the phone. "Where's Kame? I've been waiting foreeeeever," he whines. "You'd better not be -- AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY JENNIFER??"

There is silence while everyone trudges off unhappily towards the library, wondering how the victim was killed _this_ time.

Jin in the library with the knife, apparently.

 

The doorbell rings once more. No one really wants to open it, but finally Koyama can't take the ringing anymore.

They find a box.

Kusano pops out and screams, "KUSANOOOOOOOOOOOMAN!!" before being shot in the head.

They drag the body inside, close the door and go back to what they were doing before.

 

The fourth time the doorbell rings, Ryo answers the door in defeat, wondering who will die this time. It's Sho from Arashi and he is wearing one of his NEWS Zero suits that is probably more than a size too big. He pulls out a notepad and begins, "Did you know that the results of the elections for the Prime Minister were -- "

Ryo tries to shut the door in his face, but Sho is a stick now and he slips inside before it closes completely.

Then he holds up a badge and proclaims himself to be a private investigator. They stare at him in disbelief. "What?" he says. "My parents told me I had to have a real job if I wanted to keep being a member of Johnny's."

He clears his throat as they continue to stare. "Earlier tonight I collected all of the weapons in this house. Only the gun is missing from the original six you used as props in your photoshoot. Whoever has the gun is the killer."

They look around. "But no one has a gun," Tegoshi says timidly.

Suddenly all the lights go off and someone yells, "THAT'S A WRAP! BE BACK TOMORROW TO FINISH FILMING."

 

When the special airs on TV, there are three endings; different areas of Japan are shown either A (Tegoshi made Massu kill Johnny, then kept him quiet by feeding him the entire night; Tegoshi continued the killing spree because the others all had incriminating photos of Tegoshi not being cute), B (Koyama is the killer, no explanation is given other than "he talks a lot"), or C (Yamapi killed Kame, Shige killed Johnny, Tegoshi killed Jin, Koyama killed Yamada, Massu killed Yuto, Uchi killed Kusano who was actually plotting to kill them all from the beginning and orchestrated the entire night, Ryo was an undercover detective who solved the entire case -- Sho was just a decoy).

"I'm not really sure any of that made any _sense_ ," Shige says, and is ignored because, well, this is Johnny's -- when did it make sense?


End file.
